The Not Ready for Prime Time News Conference

During his Thursday news conference President Donald Trump took a moment to brag about the huge ratings he draws on all the networks, so that was at least one thing he said that can’t be disputed. The press conference was more compelling viewing than any of the soap operas or brawling talk shows it was up against, and provided every viewer with somebody to boo and his, so we’ll assume the numbers were yuge by daytime standards. All the talk radio hosts and the rest of Trump’s so-loyal-he-could-shoot-someone supporters were delighted by his snarling contempt for the assembled press, a greater number of people who don’t support Trump were entertained by the many preposterous things they prodded him to say, and only those of us who were hoping for some reliable information on matters of greater importance were likely to be dissatisfied.

Having no affection for either Trump or his media interrogators we feel quite objective in saying that Trump somehow came off the worst of two. His opening remarks lasted for 24 minutes of typically un-parsable kvetching about what a mess he’s inherited from Obama and how bad it would have been if Hillary Clinton had won and how various media have failed to inform the public about it, all of which we could have a made a more intelligible case for if he’d only asked us, but except to the people who are used to hearing about it on three-hour blocks on talk radio it probably came off as whiny and self-serving. He also faulted for the media for reporting on the “fake news” that there are concerns about his foreign policy with Russia, although even he has recently accepted the resignation of a National Security Advisor for lying about contacts with the Russians and previously jettisoned a campaign manager who’d made a lot of bucks working with the Russian’s puppet government in Ukraine and a campaign foreign policy advisor with financial ties to the Russian oil oligarchy and he’s decrying but not denying the leaks that several other of his campaign members had frequent contacts with the Russian throughout the campaign, not to mention his own repeated apologetics for the Russian dictator’s habit of killing political opponents and pesky journalists. The rest of is largely forgettable, except for his memorably rambling and disjointed style.

He also bragged about his record-setting electoral college victory, as is his wont, and when he finally got around to taking to questions he had to admit to a National Broadcasting Company employee, of all people, that while the claim might not be objectively true “It was the information I was given,” which he seemed to think was as good a it being true. He got into a veritable shouting match with some fellow from the British Broadcasting Company, and although we can’t quite recall what it was about we’re sure the chap’s effeminate-sounding accent was enough to sway Trump’s hard-core supporters. He invited a black reporter to ask a question even though he predicted it would be dumb, and it turned out to be about whether Trump would seek the input of the Congressional Black Caucus in his promised efforts to bring peace to America’s cities, which Trump acknowledged was a “very professional question,” and then he asked if she was friends with the CBC and could set up a meeting, which might or might not be racist but sounded racist enough to cause some inevitable sidebars to the story. He defended his departed National Security Advisor as a “fine person” who had done nothing wrong, explained his decision to ask for a resignation by saying the NSA had lied to the vice-president about one of those things he hadn’t done wrong, and was shrewd enough not to allow any follow-up questions. He also claimed his administration was a “finely tuned machine,” and no one disputed that lest any of the anonymous administration officials who have been gushing leaks to the contrary dry up.

After rambling at some length in his opening remarks about the hateful tone of some of the media’s reporting, Trump made it clear throughout the proceedings that he hated those some media, and of course of his supporters in other media were cheering that on. He’s got plenty of erroneous stories to point to, just as the adversarial media can and continuously do recount the numerous false statements that Trump and his spokespeople daily trot out, so whichever side you’ve decided to boo and hiss the press conference featured plenty of ratings-boosting villainy. If you’re tuning in hopes of finding out believable information on which to make sound decisions about policy, however, you’d do just as well with The Jerry Springer Show or that one where you find which of the promiscuous woman’s potential pops is the real father.

— Bud Norman

A False but Accurate News Conference

The following transcript is not an an actual White House news conference, and is instead something we dreamed up for the recent “Gridiron” show, but we offer it in a belief that it has a greater verisimilitude than the real thing. Also, we’re busy with chores and friends’ personal problems and have no energy for that ridiculous New York Times story on income inequality, so in the interest of the environment we’re going to recycle.

CHIP WILSON: Hello, I’m Chip Wilson. Jay Carney is taking an extended leave of absence in order to grow a real beard, and in the meantime I’ll be the acting White House Press Secretary. Do you have any questions?

REPORTER ONE: About Obamacare …

WILSON: I’m sorry, but let me interrupt you right there. This is just my first day on the job, and I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with Obamacare. Does anybody have a question about something other than Obamacare? No? Damn it. Well, OK, what was your question?

REPORTER ONE: The president said that under Obamacare people the average American would be paying less for his health care insurance than his cell phone bills, but instead most people are seeing rate increases. Isn’t this another broken promise?

WILSON: I can assure you the president is working hard to keep that promise. He’s already proposed legislation that would drastically increase the average American’s cell phone bill. If our do-nothing Congress won’t act on this pressing matter, you can hardly blame the the president.

REPORTER TWO: What about the president’s promise that “If you like your health care plan, you can keep you health care plan”? Millions have already lost their coverage, and millions more will when you finally get around to enforcing the employer mandate.

WILSON: I think you need to go back and check that quote. You’ll see that what he actually said was “If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan, period, end of story.”

REPORTER TWO: How does that make it better?

WILSON: Well, where I come from, “period, end of story” is generally understood to mean that you won’t be able to keep your health care plan.

REPORTER TWO: Where do you come from?

WILSON: I come from the post-modern world, pal, where words can mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. What hick town do you come from?

REPORTER THREE: You say that eight million people have signed up for Obamacare, but can you tell us how many of them have actually made a payment?

WILSON: I’m sorry, I don’t know.

REPORTER FOUR: Can you tell us how many of them previously were covered, but lost their plans due to Obamacare?

WILSON: I don’t know.

REPORTER FIVE: Can you tell us how many wound up on Medicaid?

WILSON: I don’t know.

REPORTER SIX: Can you tell us how many of them are the young, healthy people with no need for these comprehensive plans that you need to make this boondoggle work?

WILSON: I don’t know.

REPORTER ONE: Why don’t you know?

WILSON: Trust me, you don’t want to know.

REPORTER TWO: The law is currently being challenged in the courts by the Little Sisters of the Poor, who can’t understand why they’re being compelled to pay for contraceptive coverage. How do you respond to that?

WILSON: The Little Sisters of the Poor, as you know, are a notorious street gang that oppose everything this administration does because of the threat we pose to their nefarious traffic in prostitution and narcotics.

REPORTER TWO: Actually, it’s an order of nuns who provide care to the indigent elderly.

WILSON: A perfect cover, don’t you think?

REPORTER THREE: What about the report from the Congressional Budget Office that more than two million Americans will leave the labor force rather than taking a low wage job that would force them to relinquish their Obamacare subsidies?

WILSON: These fortunate people have been freed from the bondage of work. Do you want them to be wage slaves? Of course not. And what makes wage slaves? Wages, that’s what. Thanks to the miracle of Obamacare, these Americans can now devote their energies to more creative pursuits. We’re expecting a veritable renaissance of macrame and beer can sculpture.

REPORTER FOUR: Despite these assurances, all the polls show that most Americans disapprove of Obamacare.

WILSON: The administration is hard at work on that, as well. We’ve launched a multi-million dollar advertising campaign to to convince Americans they do approve of Obamacare. We’ve got some NBA stars, some healthy and pretty young models, and we’re in negotiations with that “Flo” woman from the Progressive ads.

REPORTER FOUR: And you think this will make Americans approve of paying more for less?

WILSON: Well, we believe that if the public can be persuaded to watch mixed martial arts fighting and the “Real Housewives of Haysville,” they can be persuaded to do just about anything. They did vote for my boss twice, after all, and he’s not nearly as likable as that “Flo” woman from the Progressive ads. Also, we’re counting on you on the media to help out in the effort. I mean, come on, it’s Obama.

(Reporters all murmur their general agreement.)

Afternoon Delight

Most soap operas hold no fascination for us, but the occasional presidential news conferences make for riveting afternoon fare. In the latest installment of this long-running series our hunky hero’s torrid love affair with the press runs into some unexpected trouble.

The story opens with the president giving the honor of the first question to the out-going president of the White House Correspondents’ Association, which recently made a point of laughing at all the president’s jokes during its annual dinner and celebrity love-fest, and he assures the reporter that “I’m not mad at you.” After assuring the president that he also isn’t angry the reporter proceeds to ask about the “red line” that the president had declared against Syria’s use of chemical weapons and if it might “risk U.S. credibility if you don’t take military action.” The question seemed quite carefully put, as we would have demanded to know what in the world the president was thinking when declaring an ultimatum he had no intention of ever enforcing, but the president nonetheless seemed rather offended as he launched into a long-winded oration about how Syria’s use of chemical weapons would be a “game-changer” but that “By game changer, I mean that we would have to rethink the range of options that are available to us.” One can only imagine the terror this must have struck in the hearts of the Syrian dictatorship that almost certainly has been using chemical weapons, but the press was too shaken to ask any follow-up questions.

Another reporter was so impertinent as to ask the death of an ambassador and three other Americans in a Libyan embassy that had repeatedly been denied requests for added security, specifically about the widely-reported allegation that whistle-blowers who survived the terrorist attack have been prevented from coming forward, and the president cut the conversation short by explaining that “I’m not familiar with it.” He could have reprised his former Secretary of State’s sneering reply that “What difference, at this point, does it make,” which won rave reviews from the press, so we suppose this claim of ignorance represents an improvement in administration policy.

Although the president was clearly annoyed by such pesky questioning, another reporter requested a response to Republican criticism that the government had been insufficiently vigilant in following up on Russian warnings about one of the men suspected of bombing the Boston Marathon. “It’s not as if the FBI did nothing,” the president huffily replied, “They not only investigated the older brother, they interviewed the older brother.” Satisfied that law enforcement could not have done more, the president set to wondering “was there something that happened that triggered radicalization and actual — an actual decision by the brother to engage in the attacks that we — the tragic attack we actually saw in Boston, and are there things — additional things that could have been done in that interim that might have prevented it?

After a lengthy discourse along these hard-to-parse lines, the president yielded to another question. More pestering ensued, with another reporting noting the legislative butt-kicking the president had received on his gun control efforts and wondering if “you still have the juice to get the rest of your agenda through this congress?” Many commentators were immediately reminded of the “Are you still relevant?” question posed to Bill Clinton back in the golden age of presidential soap operas, and the president seemed rather testy when he responded that “If you put it that way, Jonathan, maybe I should just pack up and go home.” To quickly dash the hopes of many Americans, the president during the nervous laughter that “As Mark Twain said, you know, rumors of my demise may be a little exaggerated at this point.” The president added the “little” and “at this point” to Twain’s witticism, but he made it clear that he still had enough breath for a lengthy gripe about those darned Republicans. Insisting that “right now things are pretty dysfunctional up on Capitol Hill,” the president went on to blame the opposition for the great pain caused by the “sequester” budget cuts, the public’s failure to adequately feel the pain, and their inexplicable resistance to his demands, all seemingly to remind the press that they have no suitable alternative suitors.

The president also renewed a long un-kept promise to close the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, insisted that all is well the Obamacare program despite its author’s claim of a “train wreck,” expressed hope that millions of illegal Mexican immigrants will soon be able to vote for his party, and offered praise for some little-known, bench-sitting basketball player who has publicly announced his homosexuality. There wasn’t any time for economic questions, the president’s golf-and-party schedule being so very tight, but even without the always-hearted financial arguments the story book romance with the media was clearly strained. Can the relationship be saved? We’ll be eagerly awaiting the next installment to find out.

— Bud Norman

Pressed by the Press

The president seemed rather surly during Wednesday’s news conference. He threw in the usual blather about wanting to work with Republicans and being very eager to hear their ideas, which is the part that was played in a short radio report we heard which characterized the whole affair as very conciliatory, but through most of it he seemed to be itching for a fight.

Perhaps he had just grown rusty at the question-and-answer routine after eight months without a formal news conference. During the intervening time he’s given plenty of interviews, but most have been with the likes of Entertainment Tonight, The Daily Show, The View, the Pimp with a Limp’s radio program, and other venues appropriate to a man of his celebrity, and the questions mostly concerned such matters as the super power he would most like to possess or his opinion regarding the feud between two judges on some televised amateur talent contest or another. Even when the president dared to submit to questioning by supposedly more serious journalists, he could usually count on them to not bring up anything that might prove embarrassing.

Much of Wednesday’s “presser” was similarly polite. One reporter invited the president to muse on the “mandate” earned by his “overwhelming victory,” an odd description of an election that saw the president’s totals decline by millions of votes and his winning margin shrink to just above 50 percent, and another obliged the president by asking about his efforts to save the planet from global warming. Yet another reporter offered his congratulations on the election, and the usual collegial chuckling generally prevailed.

There was simply no getting around the ever-expanding scandals that have followed the deadly terror attack on the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya, however, and it was at this point that the president started getting snippy. The opening question concerned the resignation of Gen. David Petraeus as director of the Central Intelligence Agency, and was politely framed by the assumption that Obama knew nothing of an investigation into Petraeus’ affair until after the election, and Obama dodged the question by citing an ongoing investigation and heaping fulsome praise on the defenestrated general. That was followed some tax talk and the Telemundo correspondent’s inevitable concern about immigration, then a follow up to the unanswered question about Petraeus that clearly annoyed the president.

When a reporter asked about statements by Sen. John McCain and Sen. Lindsey Graham that they would block a rumor appointment of United Nations ambassador Susan Rice to be the next Secretary of State, in part because she had played a leading role in peddling the administration’s bogus story that the Benghazi attack had been a spontaneous mob reaction to an obscure YouTube video, Obama’s annoyance turned to anger. Waxing indignant that anyone would criticize Rice for following his orders, he angrily demanded that “They should come after me.” It would have been delightful to see Obama’s reaction when he heard that Graham later defiantly told reporters that he had every intention of going after the president on the matter, but it apparently happened during a rare off-camera moment.

Obama was similarly pugnacious when talking about raising taxes on the rich, clearly a subject dear to his heart. He didn’t even wait for the reporters to ask about it, devoting much of his typically overlong opening statement to the issue, and at a later point used it to abruptly change the subject from a pesky question about the families of the men killed in Benghazi. The president claims that a vast majority of Americans share his desire to wring a few billion more bucks out of the wealthy, which might or might not be true, Whatever the merits of Obama’s argument, which strikes us as laughably weak, his political opponents should take note that he’s angrily serious about it.

The president’s many acolytes will take all this as evidence of a fighting spirit, which they no doubt feel is required for dealing with those evil Republicans, but it strikes us as mere petulance that is ill-suited to dealing with the nation’s problems.

— Bud Norman